How I Learned to Love Myself

While self-love is an ongoing journey, I love every thing about myself. It only took me 21 years to get to this point, but at 23, I finally do. (And it's about damn time).

I grew up in Oak Cliff (Dallas), Texas in a predominately black community where self-love and black pride should have been one of the first vital lessons, however, instead I found out that the lighter your skin and the straighter your hair, the prettier you were. I was in the second grade when I asked my mother for a relaxer so that I too could have straight hair like the popular girls in my class. She politely platted my hair for school the next day with a smile and told me how great I was already with my neat and greasy braids. In the fourth grade she finally let me get it pressed and it wasn't long until my new found confidence was confirmed by the assistant principal at my elementary, Mrs. Daniels when she said "We were wondering when you were gonna straighten it Ms. Vaughn." Mrs. Daniels wasn't the only one... I received praise from everyone about how long and silky my hair was. What is a ten year old girl to think about her natural hair when the minute she manipulated it, her life got easier?

Fast forward to high school where I was fortunate enough to go to an ethnically diverse school where my blackness was not only accepted without judgement, but celebrated for being unique and different (oh, the irony). By the time I became a junior, I was back to wearing my hair in it's kinky, curly state. In my mind, I was thinking, you're not going to be able to take your beautician with you to college so it's time you learn to do your own hair. Best investment of time, ever. By the time I got to college, my hair insecurities were conquered and I was right on time for the natural hair movement, but I was dealing with self-pity and doubt for not being where I had intentions of being on my life journey. I was hard on myself for not knowing exactly who I was or what I wanted out of life like I thought I did as a teenager. (As an adult, I now know that you can't know yourself fully until you face adversity and have to deal with it without help from mommy and daddy. There is nothing like life slapping you in the face when you think you've gotten it all figured out to remind you that you don't always get to choose the hand you've been dealt. )

Any who, I've learned a thing or two along the way about self-love and how important it is to love yourself when the world makes you think you least deserve it and I thought I'd share.

1. Our greatest opponents and critics are ourselves.

As if other people's ridicule isn't enough, there is absolutely no room for self-hate or self-judgement. Other people's opinions can be harsh, but I have found that nothing cuts deeper than having ill opinions of yourself. You have to look in the mirror and accept, and like who you are. Fall in love with the person staring back at you, completely and irrevocably and when this happens, a fire starts inside.

2. Focus on progress rather than the end goal.

We all want to do life "the right way" without any instruction or guidance as to what "the right way" is. We strive for perfection and have these preconceived expectations for how things should magically fall into place. Understand and make peace with the fact that everyone's journey is unique. Receive life's lessons and give yourself props for the small things like not giving up, following your heart, trying, and making it as far as you have instead of beating yourself up for things not happening the way you expected them to.

3. When you mess up, acknowledge it and grow.

When there are bumps along the road (and there will be plenty) acknowledge them, experience them, and learn from them. Each bump, if you allow it will help you to grow for the better. Failure is a part of growth, but in the words of Denzel Washington, you have to fall forward and not backwards.

You are great and your biggest asset is being yourself because there is no body in the world that can beat you at it baby.